he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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