Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
