so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I would ride that face into the sunset
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
