I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
