enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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