i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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