I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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