my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's never too late to be topless.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
