I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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