i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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