It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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