I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We're not piercing ourselves today.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
