some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
