We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
