I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i now understand why vodka
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
