if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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