since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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