You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
