RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
