im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
