The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
