It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
