She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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