i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i love accidental penises.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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