bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
