Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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