i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
