I accidentally had phone sex last night
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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