I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
