I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
