Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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