Michael Bay diarrhea
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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