Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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