youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
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just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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