the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
