I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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