I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
