if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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