o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
