I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
