i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
