he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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