I wish I could teleport
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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