I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
