turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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