sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
