I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
