I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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