so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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