I am spending my child support on dildos
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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