Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
