he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
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