I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
