Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
