I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
