Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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