she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
