No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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